


lactose intolerant

by Kingscunt



Series: snippets from our beautiful messed up lives [2]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Eggsy Unwin is a Little Shit, Fluff and Crack, M/M, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-08 15:25:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12867483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kingscunt/pseuds/Kingscunt
Summary: Percival has a secret he needs to keep. And if he needs to put up with getting sick because of it, then he will, the stubborn git.





	lactose intolerant

**Author's Note:**

> this was just based off of a headcanon that an anon sent me and i rly liked it so yea i guess this came from it?
> 
> kingscunt.tumblr.com

“So, Eggsy. Want to explain why you thought that blowing up half of the bloody palace was a ‘good measure’?”

 

“Listen, bruv, if I didn’t blow it up I would of got killed. And I had to use these grenades somewhere.”

 

Alastair sighed and takes another sip of his tea, fed up with the agents as per usual. He glanced at the clock - Jesus, only ten minutes in? He felt himself sink into the chair, desperately wishing for time to fly by. He couldn’t stand sitting in this room full of idiots. 

 

James, on the other hand, sat on the opposite side of the Round Table, laughing and joking with all of the other agents. He’d even somehow made Harry laugh, and Harry was a grumpy bastard before midday.

 

“You mean you wasted the grenades? For God’s sake, Eggsy, they cost a bomb to make.” Arthur scalded. His face went redder with anger as both Eggsy and Roxy fell about laughing. 

 

“Pun intended?” James asked, trying to contain his laughter, but failing. He looked over to Alastair and winked. “Someone’s a miserable sod this morning.”

 

“Yes, because I need to put up with all of you.” Alastair replied, taking another sip of tea. It tasted like shit, but there was no other alternative in the HQ. James put his hand to his heart and gasped dramatically, mock-offended. 

 

“Percival, lighten up, you silly git.” Merlin said, before turning to the board. “Right. Harry. It says on here that you successfully apprehended the target for Operation #2056. Well done.”

 

As the agents around the table kept mocking each other and generally being idiots, Alastair sat in silence, partly from frustration, irritation, but also because of the sudden nausea that hit him like a train. The thing was, Percival was highly lactose intolerant, but he would rather of died than let anyone know about it. Every meeting they had, he had to put up with being sick after, just so nobody found out about his intolerance. 

 

“Percy, love, are you alright?” he looked up to see James giving him that damned concerned look. He couldn’t help but hate it. “You don’t look well, darling.”

 

“No, I’m fine, thank you.” Alastair said. Of course, he was lying. He felt like he was going to throw up any second now, but after fifteen years of weekly tea at meetings, he’d got used to keeping the nausea at bay.

 

Only twenty minutes left of the meeting left, time couldn’t have been going any slower.

 

\--

“Alastair, love. You’ve been hugging the toilet seat all day. Are you sure you’re okay?” James called from the other side of the bathroom door. He didn’t reply, but James got the message when he heard the vomiting. “Oh, that’s lovely, just what I wanted to hear. What’s made you so ill?”

 

Alastair tumbled out of the bathroom and slumped onto the sofa face first, groaning. Harry had obviously put too much milk in that damn tea, and he was sure as hell paying the price for it now. 

 

“Fine. Fine! I’ll tell you, but you can’t, and I mean can NOT, tell a soul, do you hear me?” he said, not lifting his face from the sofa. James gently sat down next to him, and rubbed his back.

 

“Of course I won’t. What, you’re not dying, are you? Because if you are, I swear to Go-”

 

“No, you twat, I’m not bloody dying. I’m lactose intolerant.” 

 

There was silence for a long while, followed by the familiar sound of James’ obnoxious laugh. “You’re lactose intolerant?! Jesus, why haven’t you told me? How long have we been married for? Why don’t you want anyone to find out?” James couldn’t control his laughter. “I have so many questions right now, darling.”

 

“I don’t want anyone knowing that I have a weakness.” Alastair mumbled, forcing himself to sit up. James continued to laugh, and he couldn’t see what was so funny about it. “What? What is so funny?”

 

“I just think it’s ridiculous how you would hide something like that to everyone. I mean, you literally make yourself sick just to keep it a secret. You are funny sometimes.”

 

“I swear to God, James. If you tell anyone, I am getting the locks in this house changed and murdering you and all the other agents.”

 

“I won’t, darling. I think you’re an idiot, but if you want me to keep a secret, then I will.” James said, giving Alastair the faintest kiss on the forehead. Alastair tried to keep a straight face, but for once, he couldn’t do it. He smiled at the touch of James’ lips, and rested his head on his chest.

 

“I’m trusting you, you silly dope.” 


End file.
